Personal Development

» pink101 - Resource

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It seems to me there are deeper issues invovled in our sexual as well as our overall morality than this idea of breaking a trust. One of the clues has to do with the traditional vows we have made in our marriages--especially the "for better or for worse" part. Could cheating be seen as a form of sickness?
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What is it about cheating that does so much harm? Is cheating the problem or is there an area of expectations where the damage originates? Your field of expertise at this site deals with ethics. What are the ethics of scientific study? Has anyone ever done a blind study on extra marital sex? Is sex such a taboo subject that we cannot ask?
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Sexual intercourse is, perhaps, the most intimate act we ever experience with another person. In it we have opportunity to discover the deepest knowledge of our partner in many ways and, in turn, to learn about our own deepest self. But, when we withold the truth about who we are and what we think, are we lying to ourselves? Can we be more open to our self in an affair than we can with our marriage partner?
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It would be interesting to learn about scientific studies in this taboo area. This is an area that future generations will unfold and deconstruct.
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While he doesn't explore the scenario I set up, his book is a resource about the structure and methods of successful small groups. I recommend it highly.
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Mills, Theodore M. The Sociology of Small Groups . 1967. Englewood Cliffs: Prentice, 1984.
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Theodore M. Mills, Ph.D. Harvard University, was Professor of Sociology and Director of the Center for the Study of Human Groups, State University of New York at Buffalo, at the time his second edition of the book was published in 1984. Including the index and references, the book is only 168 pages, so it can be read in a short time.

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-- posted by pink101

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» pradocg - Resource

In response to Resource posted by pink101:

Right now I'll just comment on the point you make about seeing cheating as a form of sickness. I think this is a very dangerous way of thinking. We now seem to medicalize every sort of behavior we find objectionable by making it into one or another syndrome. What this does is absolve people from responsibility. Unless there is some form of actual pathology present, and I don't know what that would be, cheating on a partner is something for which we should bear full responsibility.

-- posted by pradocg

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» pink101 - You Misunderstood

In response to Resource posted by pradocg:

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You wrote, "I'll just comment on the point you make about seeing cheating as a form of sickness. I think this is a very dangerous way of thinking.", seems to show that you misunderstood what I meant to convey.
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My point was about the traditional marriage vows in which we make "for better or worse" promises about the relationship no matter what comes along including poverty, sickness, etc. I my question in this sense, could cheating be seen as the symptom of a sickness rather than a cause for divorce and whatever other negativity might come along. Further, my inquiry meant to discover if there might be an underlying problem with our culture that really doesn't understand what it means to be intimate and, more to the point, the discovery of the self.
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Sexual activity is the most intimate of all behaviors we know about. Why can't married partners allow for the other being able to express their deepest interests and concerns? Experience shows that strangers can often handle intimacy better than can people who are married. I was wondering what you might have to say about this phenomenon--if you're able to understand it. And, I also thought that people enter into marriage with a mental image of who their partner is without really knowing.
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When two people marry, it seems like a good idea that they learn to accept each other for who they truly are. It is through self expression that we come to the place where we know who we are. If the undiscovered self represents a life not worth living, then, doesn't it make sense that life is a journey in which the self can be discovered?
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I wonder what ethics has to say about these things.
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:)

-- posted by pink101

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» pink101 - Complicated

In response to You Misunderstood posted by pink101:

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This is a complicated subject and we can't come to any easy conclusions or solutions.
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Maybe our entire idea of marriage is based on the wrong foundations?
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-- posted by pink101

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» pink101 - Our Spouse

In response to Complicated posted by pink101:

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It might be a good idea if we were not to think of our spouse as a possession, but as another person who has interests and desires quite similar to ours.
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Might be.
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-- posted by pink101

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» hawknut - Good article

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C.G.,
Did you - or your wife - write this article? (wink)

An excellent summary..."Cheating isn't about sex; it's about intimacy". I agree... most women do understand about this better than men do. And it's reason why most women know their men are cheating before there's any proof or admission.

-- posted by hawknut

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» pink101 - Good article

In response to Good article posted by hawknut:

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A good article as well as a good subject.
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My question above to Dr. Prado asks if "cheating" could be the symptom of some ailment in the marriage relationship.
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He touched on the point when he wrote, "Cheating isn't about sex, it's about intimacy". Could it be that there is a lack of intimacy in the marriage relationship that contributes to any "cheating" involved. When a marriage partner puts curtains up to protect their intimatcy from their spouse, they may be unwittingly contributing to the deeper cause of the spouse's infidelities. Marriage partners should be counseled to work on being completely transparent to each other and that honesty should start before the ties are bound--a very difficult project but highly rewarding.
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It seems to me that marriage is an important part of the journey toward self discovery and when we put up a facade to hide our self from the other, we are asking for trouble. Sometimes the intimacy the spouse seeks is found in an affair where the parties are straightforwardly honest with each other and don't try to hide anything from each other. It is very difficult to be honest with others on such a physically intimate level. But, it is how you learn your own true identity.
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-- posted by pink101

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» hawknut - Good article

In response to Good article posted by pink101:

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Marriage partners should be counseled to work on being completely transparent to each other
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There's a common saying 'familiarity breeds contempt'. What do you think about this? Is there any truth to it? Maybe being too transparent removes the mystery and discovery - that exciting unknown we enjoy early on in a relationship? Do we miss this in longterm relationships? Do we attempt to recapture that mystique through outside affairs? Comments?

-- posted by hawknut

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» pink101 - Comments

In response to Good article posted by hawknut:

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Seeing as your post is a response to mine, I guess you would like me to comment on the idea that familiarity breed contempt.
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I'm sure it often does.
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Western Civilizations tradition of marriage is a long standing part of the familial institution. It is, ideally, in the family where we are born. And it is therewhere we learn our understandings of relationships. Remember, ideally.
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The child is one with its mother and gradually the father is accepted as a part of that unity. In the ideal family, the mother and the father, each, present the child with the exact same ideas. Ideally. I think that when we give this arrangement some serious thought we begin to see that it is through this relationship that we begin the process of self discovery. We get to know who it is that we are and who it is that we are becoming.
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The marriage relationship is the most intimate of all in which we as mature human beings with each other can experience. As we express ourselves to each other, we get the feedback that helps us discover our own true self. It is important in a marriage that we encourage our partner to be as open as possible with us. In the beginning, it is awkward and very difficult to do. But, once we break the barriers that hold us back, we can grow in the relationship and experience fulfillment through the other.
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-- posted by pink101

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