Many people seem to need to control their friendships, and they often try to do it in a way that jeopardizes what they're trying to control.
Some people find it hard to be friends without trying to have a kind of edge. This is a common phenomenon meriting attention because it raises ethical issues.
What follows is gender-neutral because I'm not sure how it applies to men and women separately. It seems to apply equally to both, but there may be differences I'm missing. What I want to say, though, is general enough that we can ignore gender differences. Lets talk about just three friends and call them Sam (Samuel or Samantha); Sandy (Alex or Alexandra) and Chris (Christopher or Christine).
We'll say Sandy is the one with the problem. Sandy is friends with both Sam and Chris, but invariably takes every opportunity when alone with either Sam or Chris to run down the other just a bit. Sandy may not even be aware of doing so, but the aim is to cement the friendship with Sam by running Chris down a little and with Chris by running Sam down a little.
When I've experienced this sort of thing, it's made me uncomfortable because I'm never a hundred-percent sure that I'm not reading too much into some remarks and don't want to make a big deal of something I'm unsure about. In one particular case I was Sam, and every time Sandy and I weren't with Chris, Sandy would make little comments that always made it sound like Chris was less of a friend to me than I thought. For example, Sandy would intimate that Chris should've called me about something or Sandy would express surprise that Chris hadn't told me about one thing or another. Chris got the same treatment regarding me and after a while neither of us called or included Sandy in our plans.
The problem's source is insecurity that prevents sharing friendship and expresses itself as constant reappraisal of friendship, as if it were always at risk. The common ploy is as outlined: currying favor with one friend by bad-mouthing another.
The question is, what can anyone expect to gain with such tactics? What's sought is always being the first thought of, the first to be told something, the first consulted about whatever. But the ploy doesn't work because it's divisive; it's not as if one's friends don't talk to one another. And the ploy is unethical because its tactics invariably involve unfairly and perhaps untruthfully running down others behind their backs.
