Second-Guessing Your Partner
Playing Head-Games
There's little more annoying than asking your partner a question and having him or her second-guess you, answering either with another question or with what you know he or she thinks you want to hear. It's the stuff of major rows, and one of those relationship things where neither is really to blame so both get angry at getting angry and make everything worse.
Trouble is, you can't live with someone for long without getting to know their preferences, their subtle ways of showing pleasure or displeasure, agreement or disagreement. So you start asking and answering questions in hedged ways. Where friends or strangers usually ask questions and give answers straightforwardly, a partner anticipates or discerns reservations and opposite inclinations. Too often this leads only to arguments or worse.
You know how it goes: "Do you want to go to dinner (because I do)?" "I guess so, sure (not really, but I know you want to)." "Do you like this outfit (it cost a lot)?" "Yes... It looks fine (it doesn't suit you)." "Do you think we should have the Smiths over (we owe them)?" "What do you think (bo-ring)?"
The problem has two sides; one is the person asking a question second-guessing an answer. Basically, it's taking a "yes" as a "no" or a "no" as a "yes" because of what you know or think you know about what your partner wants. The other side is answering "yes" when you mean "no" or "no" when you mean "yes" because of what you know or think you know about what your partner's wants.
What causes the most trouble is when the questioner really wants or needs a straight answer. That's when it's very irritating to get a question back or a cautious or uncertain answer. And it's when there's the biggest danger of a row or at least of hurtful remarks being made.
Personal ethics comes into this less with respect to particular cases than the long-term health of the relationship. Too much second-guessing and repeated disagreements over it can harm a relationship by introducing distrust and avoidance. It starts with thinking twice about asking something, because you don't want the hassle, and goes on to deception of one sort or another to avoid problems.
Openness is essential to a relationship. Sometimes a question or answer won't be welcome, but better that than making a practice of second-guessing your partner.
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