Moving Too Fast

Knowing When to Ask

Oct 25, 2006 C. G. Prado

Someone who has just separated is vulnerable, but too many people are forgetting that. We need to rethink how we deal with individuals who are suddenly "available."

Most people know a couple who've separated and for a while find it awkward to deal with two friends who were once together. For one thing, it's hard not to look like you're taking sides, especially if you're closer to one of the ex-partners. So for a while you have to be careful. But things get complicated if you're interested in one of the exes. Then the length of the while becomes critical.

It's the while part that prompted this article, because I realized no one seems to know how long that while should last. But though this lack of clarity causes awkwardness, does it raise ethical issues? Like most things, it can.

For some people, the while seems to be no more than a few days. I know a woman who was shocked when a man she and her husband had known for years asked her out as soon as she said she was filing for divorce. And I know an ex-wife-to-be who was asked by a friend if it was okay to date her ex-husband-to-be just two days after the break-up.

The ethical issue here isn't about just how long you wait to make a move on somebody's ex; it's about what you do if you act too soon. If the while is too short, you reveal self-centeredness and insensitivity. Too quickly approaching a just-separated man or woman shows self-absorption overriding sensitivity to others' feelings. Moving too soon also shows lack of good sense, because acting precipitously may totally put off the person you're interested in. But being insensitive or a little stupid isn't of itself unethical.

What is unethical is, first, intruding on the emotional turmoil that most just-separated people have to cope with. It's hurting them for your own potential gratification. More important, though, is that moving too fast on someone who's just separated belittles the relationship they had. Moving too fast sends a clear message that their intimate relationship, which may have gone on for years, can be simply set aside in a few weeks or even a few days.

So how long should the while be? This is like some prices: if you have to ask, you can't afford it. You have to be sensitive to the other person's situation, not only to act ethically, but because the move you make is actually the first in a potentially new relationship.

My thanks to Annette.

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