Sometimes we inadvertently hurt those we want most to console.
Few of us know what to do when a friend loses someone close. We offer our condolences, trying not to sound too trite, and then pretty much go on as before.
There really isn't much else we can do, but often we inadvertently hurt bereaved friends. We do so in a way quite opposite to how we sometimes hurt others by being inquisitive, as I said in an earlier article.
The trouble is that in dealing with bereaved friends we often avoid mentioning the person who's died. We may not mention them because we don't want to upset our friend or because we're uncomfortable speaking of the dead or simply because we don't know what to say.
Unfortunately, the bereaved find avoidance of mention of their lost loved ones hurtful. That's because someone who once loomed very large in their lives is not only gone, but seems quickly forgotten. That makes the loss harder to bear.
So sometimes we ask too much; sometimes we don't ask enough. What should we do?
There's no formula to follow; no easy rule. We have to be sensitive to others, and that's hard because others differ so much; what one finds an expression of concern another finds intrusive.
There's one good guideline, which is to stop a moment and ask yourself if what you're about to say is really for the sake of the other person or for your own sake. As I said in the other article, too often we ask others how they're feeling because we want to be in the know or because we're morbidly interested in what they're going through. In the case of bereavement, things tend to be the other way around: we don't talk about whoever's died because it upsets or depresses us, and give no thought to how our bereaved friend takes our silence.
Bereavement in a friend is hard to deal with, but we can help a little. I've found what bereaved people respond to well is recalling incidents where the person who's died did something funny or otherwise memorable in a positive way. Just saying you miss their sense of humor or their quick wit or something of the sort can be amazingly effective in making a bereaved friend feel better because it helps them to remember the person who's died more fondly than sadly.
Thanks to Mel Wiebe for the idea.
