Telling "white lies" is thought wrong, but necessary. If it's wrong, how can it be necessary?
Should I Lie to My Partner?
Most of us who've survived a relationship for more than a year or so know that there are times when it is very tempting to lie. In most cases the lies aren't malicious; they're just a way of not opening a can of worms. I'm not talking about lying about cheating on a partner or embezzling from his or her account. I'm talking about the so-called "white lies" we tell so easily but that still bother us, like "No, the jacket looks good on you," or "You don't look any heavier to me."
The trouble is that in most cases little lies are harmless and avoid hurt feelings or upsetness, so we wonder about our unease in telling them. And in fact, they're sort of not lies at all, in that usually they aren't really believed. But still, they are falsehoods, and if nothing else we wonder if we're going to be able to draw the line between little lies and big lies.
I think the first thing to own up to is that very, very few of us are always completely honest. Even if we don't lie, most of us don't tell the whole truth a lot of the time, and we shade the truth every which way. The second thing to admit is that most of the little lies we tell aren't really intended to deceive. They're intended to make the other feel better or at least not to feel down about something. And the third important thing to admit is that we don't usually gain anything by telling little lies, other than to keep the peace, so they're not self-serving.
So, are little lies nonetheless lies and therefore wrong? Or are little lies between partners just part of the complicated business we call "a relationship." Well, I'll tell you the truth: they're lies. Does that mean you shouldn't tell them? I'll tell you the truth again: if you don't tell them you'll be sorry. So is it necessary to do wrong to maintain a relationship? Think about the three things I list above and think hard about whether oiling the gears of a relationship can really be wrong. Perhaps the real trouble is that we need a more complex, and more adult, understanding of truth-telling and lying.
